1+1=1.5

"One plus one isn't two"

I tuned in to a radio channel this morning and the radio announcer talking about Valentine's.

"My wife was angry with me yesterday"

"She is angry that I did not get her a bouquet of flower and send it to her office"

"Oh c'mon man, it's Valentines. I wouldn't even back you up this time"

"No, listen. I have actually booked a place for two in a fine dining restaurant with flowers and live music. There are flowers for her, but its just during dinner, not during working hours"

Then there's this awkward silence for a moment.

Is this man really at fault now?

I doubt.

We had a conversation today, with one colleague of mine, asking about what happened last night.

He looked at me and said - "We broke up".

"(Huh) What?!" - I looked into his eyes and this explains the baggy eyes on his face.

I was too busybody and asked him "What made you two broke up actually?"

"She said I was insensitive to special days like this"

"She said I have never appreciated her as someone special"

"She said I should have even wished her, simple"

"What's that called again, took someone for..."

"Granted?"

He smiled, at his own stupidity. Followed with a laughter, sarcastic one, laughing at himself.

"But she never knew this is a plot, I planned something"

"What have you planned?"

"A proposal?"

"I was going to go down on my knees last night after two years, I talked to her about having a dinner together. She just thinks nothing gonna happen just because its a place we used to go"

"I got everything plotted just nice, just me and her and a ring?"

My eyes went looking something on him, I saw him wearing the ring, on his middle finger.

I speak no more, he spoke sadness in silence.

"She will know, tell her and mend things if you want to"

"I hope and wish I can, still"

Despite seeing all lovebirds flashing their sweethearts publicly, there are people that do not enjoy valentines. 

They experience heartbreaks. 

I can still remember what an aunt of mine told me.

"One plus one is not two, it will never be", referring to marriage.

"How is it so?"

"One plus one is one and a half, or 3 over 2"

You get stronger, because 3 over 2, 3 is stronger than 2, thus you get stronger together.
Now, listen closely.
One and a half is because you giving up some part of you and your partner as well and be together.
There is no one, in this world for a partner that can take every single thing.
You have to give up or give in something, it's not pure maths.
Always remember that there will be something good in the bad and vice versa.
No harm to take a step back, and give in.
Give in to someone you love.

I sincerely hope the broken relationship can be fixed still.
It is not an easy catch to find someone you love and ready to spend your life with.

"What are you good at?"

"Um, I guess screwing things?"

Love is legal

"Your dad is coming back on March right?" 

She smiled awkwardly, shaking her head with the slightest motion

She didn't realize and asked again: 

"March, right?"

There were three kids who stick together every time I see them. A year ago, two of them were shy, diffident and they just wouldn't talk to you. The way they communicate with you is through their stare, a cold blank stare they got in their eyes after questions were being asked and they would just walked away. Cool enough.

A year later (which is this year), the bigger sister started to respond to questions, well, not all of them. At least she tried and there's some changes from what I see. They changed from cool kids to kids that smile, kids that act like kids. They smile.

"Come, let me hug you", they are such small size that you can fit two of them in your arms and still having some space for them to move about (or is it me who is the big sized giant).

Their mom is a shy person as well, which then explains the inheritance of traits. 

Their dad is away from home, went off to somewhere far to work and they wouldn't know when he will be back

"Where is your dad?"

"Working"

Parents work, and there is only one reason to it - pay debts and to make life better for their kids

Giving them a good education, pay to let them learn music, arts or even sports; satisfying their demands, buying happiness

They were too busy earning dollars that they have to sacrifice companionship

This is what they have to sacrifice, and that's what being chosen

It actually got me into a minor emotional shift when I overheard their conversation while having them in my arms.

"Your dad is coming back on March, right? You just need to wait for another 2 months right?"

She smiled awkwardly, shaking her head in the slightest motion

She didn't realize and asked again, "March, right?"

Her younger sister looked at her sister and asked, "When is March, jie jie (sister)?"

"I don't know"

"A-yi (aunt), I am going to eat cookies, let me go"

She smiled awkwardly with a cute chuckle, pushing my hands away

I opened my arms and they ran away like three little chicks finding for food

The younger sister following behind

When is dad coming back?

I don't know

For a father, he can sacrifice and put himself in risk to have a better life for their kids, even if it is illegal

Because loving your family, is legal

Never have I ever thought

"So I woke up in the middle of the night, and smiled

I guess, it's love that has awakened me"

Sometimes, I want to be on a beach listening to the waves hitting on random rocks;
Sometimes, I want to hang out in my favourite cafe reading a book while listening to songs;
Sometimes, I want to just look at the people walking in and out without saying a word;
Sometimes, I want to be someone better, better that who I am right now;
Sometimes, I think I am not enough, I haven't reach there yet;
And that, I hate when I am being me, just me

"Oh God, look at that emotions running through me right now"

I once believed in words - promises, and many more words, because I trusted them
I have faith in distance - "A couple can be close to each other but not in love, but two souls can also be in love miles apart", mainly because I have faith in who I love, not more than that

There goes the cycle of life, growing up, living dreams, searching for love, be in love, making love happen, having a future together with your partner, having a family, getting old and forgetful (and not continuing this).
But there's always some outbreak in between perfect life-chords - heartbreaks, heartbreaks and heartbreaks.
Of course, it is not necessarily all about just your love partner, it could also be family, friends, and you yourself.
We grow to be stronger at hard times, thus heartbreaks make us stronger after each of them came dropping by, and the worst part is, it makes you stop believing in something I guess?

It definitely takes time to heal, to compromise, to understand, to not let anger overpower you.
Anger has always been one of my weakest point that put me into dangerous situations and its a norm that I will wake up the next morning feeling remorseful for what I have gotten myself into
This, unfortunately is still one thing I am still mending - I would rather remain in silence than to speak spears that hurt people that does not deserve to take it and to talk when anger walked away

Living in despair and loneliness, finding myself walking on the path of bygones way too often in this ghastly town with barely no one you can talk to
Spent most of the time reading, reading and drinking, at which I would feed my soul and sleep drunk

I have then came to realize I am used to living alone (not sounding pathetic - keep reading)
Comfortable, very comfortable for me to have control of my own time, things I do and places I go
Of course, to feel what I want to feel without the influence of other's emotion and without people to judge me

Sometimes, people don't listen to me, they are too busy talking when I really need their attention and ears
Sometimes, people don't really value respect which I am really disgusted by
Sometimes, people don't understand the emotions and body language of another person - psychological education is one important lesson in life for me, one of the essentials
Sometimes, people failed to let me feel loved
People failed sacrifices
People failed efforts
People failed hopes
People usually fail me with a grade F
That just make everything so difficult - rate it, "5-star difficulty level" screw that

Time has come to make me realize that if we are not open to chances, chances will never come
Spent nights pointlessly strolling in a mall or sitting by the park in the dark has become something normal to me
That is way before happiness came, way before you came
Just because we are open to chances, thus we got that one slim chance for us to take hold of each other
My monochrome life has been painted with colors bits by bits later on, like I once said "You are my happiness" and here comes the rainbow

So I woke up in the middle of the night and found myself smiling
I guess it is love that has awakened me
At that point of life I have found the reason to wake up every morning smiling

Never have I thought love came so soon
I hope it will just stay,  just like how I wanna stay drenched in this love 

Love with a wild heart, live like a wild man, sing like a wild boar
Let happiness come wildly at you
And it will stay, I badly hope it will stay
For how long it should be

Things never change but people change;
Dreams never stop but people stop dreaming;
Love never stop but people stop loving;
Distance never parts but people tore them apart;
Sad but true

Move on eh?

"If you have positivity in you, possibilities will follow"
I have faith in you, that is where love follows
For you are the "someone in the crowd that I would dance under a city of stars"

My humble job

"My job is to love you"

Another cheesy love message I once sent to you.
Fingers were at the verge of clicking on that 'delete conversation' button but I pulled it out
No, not now, not now my dear

Well, say that I am a person that does not forget easily
Even letting go seems to be a big thing in my life
Not everything, just you

Human has a pair of eyes, ears, hands and legs.
But why not a pair of heart?

The paired heart is with you.

People around me has been jokingly (or not) trying to match make me with some other strangers
The only answer I can give is just a smile and a shrug
I know, I know, I am not ready for any of it

I have not let go, I have not let you go from me

Sounds stupid as I don't know how this can be continued
How am I going to write our story with a broken pen

Frankly saying, I have no idea

But all I know is I once loved you with my whole heart
I think I missed you more than you do

My job was to love you, (you realized I'm not the one to)
my job is to wait for you (time will prove)

Keep moving on, little me.
Feelings won't be something permanent, they are like clouds.
Thus, loneliness won't be staying long.

Love, even though you're not loved.
Give, before you take.

Now, I will give you time you once longed for

I will wait

Faded

They say that time will eventually fade out your dreams, but I don't believe 

I never did

Should I even believe it?

From what I remember vividly in my mind,
as a kid we ran so fast to race with time to get older, be matured, to fit in bigger sized shirts
to hope to have freedom
of course the big-league is
to achieve our dreams -what we hope to be, what we hope to see

Hours after hours, years after years,
finally we somehow evolved to a taller person, to a person that is not classified as a kid anymore.

At that adolescence stage of ours, we might be energetic and tired at the same time,
realising real life is a struggle and that society is the burning fire -sometimes the flame is bearable sometimes it's not

We were happy with the growth, watching ourselves change, day after day.
Then we came a stage of life where we became indecisive, we became directionless
The path in front is being shovelled perfectly fine, and you know that is not what we want, it will not lead us to the destination on your map.
Courage -are you a creator or a follower
Many of us chose the path that are perfectly fine just with some pebbles and gravels that does no harm to us.

"Well, let's try, if it does not work, let's move on the other path"
That's what we often say, or it's just me

The truth is, we get so comfortable with what's being arranged for us (especially Asian kids)
We once say we will keep doing things we love and find another turnover point to get back on path

How many of us really did?
Suddenly seeing things at this age seems so scary
What's in front is to blur to be seen, it's literally a Smokey Hazy Valley.

This is not who I see myself to be years before
This is not the one person I see myself to be
This is not who I want my past to see

Time has moved so fast that it eventually ate up my courage and motivation
Struggling with the thought of staying in this comfort zone or to go out and do what I should

The answer is pretty obvious at this point
Most of them will say "Go geddit, go fight, with no regrets"

I know. But now I can't
My dreams has been faded away
I lost my motivation
I lost my petite courage

Has time put everything in a fading palette of colors?
At least I know I need to regain my motivation and passion to reignite my long lost dreams

I don't mind the time, I mind the journey
I don't mind how long it takes, I mind when I never try at all
I don't mind if it's baby steps, I mind when it's a no step taken

I mind if I don't try at all
For now, I have no burden, I only have me and only me to answer to
And that I am a free bird roaming free

Take your time, free bird, fly and fly higher when you're ready
Time will bring you a courage test to be a wiser and courageous bird

Time will fade out your dreams, I believe it now, only if you let it happen 

Fly, just spread your wings
Go

Rewind maybe

 

Who will ever thought of the bad will come that soon

Emotions hit me real hard in this year. Joy, anger, sadness, nervousness, excitement, anticipation, and what more, gratefulness, satisfaction and happiness (trying to defense myself for not publishing throughout this year).

It seems like time has gotten way faster than it usually was.
Reaching to an age where me myself deem to see me in another stage of life, doing something great, not just telling people that "Yeah, I'm having a job now". Now you'll wonder where did all of your dreams and that passion went - they eventually fade away leisurely when you leisure your time away.

That, is one question I need to answer myself too. Sucks.

The past travel weeks has got me into a really deep emplacement of where my emotions are. Places of which dragons laying on piles of gold in a dark dungeon. The best place to let your mind wander off is at a place you know no one, and you know nothing about what's in front.

Be lost, be humble, be free, be you.

Break ups had been a real struggle in life. It had always be, me and you, everyone.
A relationship is all about understanding between two souls. When one understands, one will not let emotions take over that easy and will drudge to be a better person.

Loving is easy, keeping it fresh needs effort, both of them.

The hardest part in a break up page is to put the snatch on the dependence you once had on that someone. Is that love or is that a daily routine, that you always do does not seem to have a point. That for me, is the hardest part. Even your brain registers the habit and that is the reason why we tend to dwell in sadness until we pull through that particular variable time frame.

A friend once asked, do you ever regret knowing or spending time that once spent on them and ended up in sorrow?
No, and I will never be. The moments that we once had together, coon's age or just bat of an eye, for sure there are moments of happiness which were precious. Moments where we grow, we learn and we understand each other is just priceless. The extreme of saying to be in regret is when someone is just blurred by tears and emotions.

The one phrase that was often asked in my whole trip was "How I wish you are here with me". Seeing things that I see, sharing plates, sipping on bottles of beers, chilling in summer, walking to places, together, too good to be true.

Growth in a journey is usually the best thing in life.

We know we can do better, but we always missed the chance until there is no chance left.
Taking things for granted.

Love should be something we be proud of. Loving someone worth loving, loving someone that loves you.

I once saw you in me, I once saw you in my future;

Days with you were once blithe;

Hours were when messages travel across miles to reach the other side;

Minutes were when hate overpowered love;

Seconds were when words hurt

To my past relationships, there is a need for me to apologize for not taking hold of each chance once spared and thank you for another heartbreak journey to make me learn the hard way.

And yes, unfortunately this is a break up post for myself (if you think it is a travel post, nah).
Wishing people that are still duelling with heartbreaks eventually recover soon and people are in love, to be in love and to bear what love gives.

Rewind maybe? I know I can do better now

Rekindle Kindness

"If you think hell is the scariest place, you are wrong"

Not everyone agrees or sees things like you do. Everyone is different. Thus it seems reasonable when people start asking me about me finally dipping in the working life culture so soon after thesis submission. Peer influence is a scary thing, especially when you are in a minority group among them and thoughts voiced out wasn't that firm yet. However, lucky that the thoughts started to grow it's base day after day and voila, shaken but not diverted.

The learning process and new environment brightens me up everyday. Everyday, there's a reason. To be frank, the toughest was not about insufficient technical knowledge or mistakes done. The toughest of all is the knowledge and art of dealing with people. By people, I mean all sorts of people, with different personalities, just like a few palettes of colors, 36 isn't a big number to describe then.


Grateful is the word to use whenever coincidentally bumped into some kind souls. Smile is the best present to give to a stranger. By consistently contributing a smile which will not cost you any penny, soon to realize that the contribution of daily smiles will develop confidence in between. Next, a conversation will begin. Going further on, friends. Wishing others well or a short conversation about their day sounds great to me. This is the best daily kindness received.


However, there are still people that don't know about the art of communication. Some people are stubborn, verbally strong that you don't even feel like continuing the conversation. Some joke across the boundaries easily and are not accepting and personally thinking that the worse is one that wants one to change according to their thoughts. I met people that talk with a sarcasm tone and, loud voice when someone is being polite and not harmful. Oh, did I also missed out inconsiderate, ignorant people as well?


Why.


'Why' came across my mind almost a zillion times per day, asking myself why are they doing so, why did they act in such way, why did they have such thoughts, whys.


Now you might have wonder how perfect I am to comment on other's act and how they think. No I am not. I literally just wonder about that when they act or messages conveyed goes different and classified unclassified. Like a saying goes, "age does not define maturity", which cannot be agreed more.


Generally speaking, the do's and don'ts of communication art are usually violated by people. What is being concerned is that the kindness that people are spreading or giving is gradually depleting, like the ozone layer. One day we might all just die when there is no kindness left because of the ultraviolet rays.


A book once written that anger eats up your cells. Malignant or not. It is hard to be angry at someone and to publicly confront them in an angry way. Anger makes someone lose their temper and consciousness as well. That is why people do silly things when they are off tempered. They shout, performed martial arts, trash around and more. At a lower level, some tries hard to make you look bad. In any way, they will try to pull you down. Sarcasm. The commonly seen used method.


Why people would want to make their day and other's miserable.


Are you the reason of your own bad day.

Are you the reason of other's bad day.
These two questions are literally the questions to ask.


Do not let the minority change the world. Let us be the majorities and grow our force. Pull them in.


Kindness won't cost you anything.

It is an investment that will give you something precious as day goes by.


Like how Ellen says,

Be kind to one another.